Fear is a master of disguise. Sometimes, it stomps into our lives like a thunderstorm, loud and obvious. Other times, it tiptoes in, weaving itself into our thoughts so subtly that we don’t even notice it’s there. It’s the whisper that makes us second-guess ourselves, the hesitation before trying something new, the feeling in the pit of our stomach when we step outside our comfort zones, as we lose ourselves in thought.
We all experience fear - it’s part of being human. It’s a survival mechanism, designed to keep us safe. But in a world where most of us aren’t running from lions, tigers, or bears, fear often shows up in less helpful ways. It convinces us that we’re not good enough, that we’ll fail and that we shouldn’t even try. Fear is the little voice that says, “What if it all goes wrong?”
When it comes to family and the constantly changing dynamics, I've experienced that fear. For example, I'll think of someone and want to call, which I may have done in the past without further thought because back then, when life was simple and not so busy for everyone, my calls were always accepted. But now, fear seems to stop me dead in my tracks.
Fear is telling me, "It's probably not the right time to call now", or "they are probably doing something with their own family so don't interrupt their precious time together", and worst of all, "there is no point in calling, they probably don't have the time for a chat for one reason or another." I tell you, this fear, it's overwhelming and quite draining at times.
I cry and try to laugh at my thoughts because they do sound erratic, and yet, there are times when no matter how hard I try, fear has a solid grip on what I do next. Don't get me wrong, there are times when fear is nowhere to be found, and I make that call, or I visit, or invite to lunch.
So, I started looking for ways to let go of this fear, and what I discovered is that most people fear something in their life, yet have not found the right tools to cope. Even if they learn what works for them in that moment, life's distractions prevent them from implementing what they've learned because, oh look… a butterfly.
Well, I have a belief that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. It's happened to me many times over in my life. It happened again recently as I was coming to terms with, and feared growing old.
I was guided to a book called The LET THEM Theory, by a special person in my life who told me she often experienced gut twisting fear and anxiety whenever she was around people she felt inferior to.
After listening to this book by Mel Robbins, I was reminded that we can’t control what others think, feel, say or do, but we can control how we respond.
“The secret to happiness is letting people be who they are and not taking things personally.”
The Let Them Theory, in a big way, applies to fear. Fear is often rooted in how we think others might perceive us, and our need to control what is happening in our life. However, if we release our need for approval and the urge to control everything, or everyone, in our lives, fear loses some of its influence.
How Fear Infiltrates Our Minds
Fear is sneaky. It hides behind excuses: “I’ll have that discussion next week.” It camouflages itself as logic: “This isn’t the right time.” It whispers doubt: “What if I embarrass myself?” It feeds on uncertainty and thrives in overthinking, making our minds feel like a tangled ball of ‘what-ifs.’
Sometimes, fear masquerades as procrastination. We put things off, not because we’re lazy, but because we’re afraid of failing (or even succeeding—because success can be scary too!).
Oh yes, I experience this too. I tell myself I want to be successful at writing, creating, and inspiring others to live the life they choose. But what if I fail? Or, what if I succeed, and lose my family and friends in the process?
Fear often shows up as self-doubt, telling us we’re not smart enough, strong enough, or capable enough. And let’s not forget comparison—fear loves when we measure ourselves against others and decide we don’t measure up.
So, How Do We Cope?
The first step is recognizing fear for what it is. When we acknowledge it, we take away some of its power. Instead of letting it control us, we can look it in the eye and say, “I see you, but you’re not in charge.”
One of the best ways to deal with fear is to reframe our thoughts. Instead of thinking, “What if I fail?” try asking, “What if I succeed, and everything is ok?” Instead of, “I’m not ready,” consider, “I’ll figure it out as I go.” Changing the narrative helps weaken fear’s grip.
Taking small steps also helps. Fear thrives on the idea that we have to do everything perfectly from the start. But if we break things down into baby steps, we make progress without overwhelming ourselves.
Want to start a new hobby? Just begin. Want to write a book? Start with a sentence. Want to have that discussion? Start with 'hello'. The more we take action, the less power fear has.
And, of course, there’s the classic deep breath. Sounds simple, but pausing, breathing deeply, and grounding ourselves in the moment can make all the difference. Fear loves to take us into the future, imagining the worst-case scenario, but when we stay present, it loses its momentum.
Embracing Fear as Part of the Journey
The truth is, we can’t completely eliminate fear, and that’s okay. It’s a sign that we care, that we’re stepping into something meaningful. The goal isn’t to be fearless—it’s to feel the fear and do it anyway.
So next time fear tries to hijack your thoughts, take a step back. Acknowledge it, question it, reframe it, and then keep going. You’re braver than you think. And besides, the best stories often begin with a little fear—and a whole lot of courage.
Namaste'
Deb xx
Further reading:
In her book The Let Them Theory, Mel Robbins addresses the pervasive impact of fear on personal well-being and relationships.
Trying to control others often arises from our own fears and insecurities, causing undue stress and strained relationships. Additionally, the fear of others' opinions can greatly impede personal development and happiness.
By embracing the "Let Them" mindset, you can release the need to manage others' actions, and liberate yourself from the constraints of external judgments.
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